Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
