you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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