How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
