I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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