I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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