He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
