Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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