why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
