I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Don't tell me you're on acid again
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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