what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
