Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
