M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
