i just wanna soil my oats bro
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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