i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
