I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i dont even know how to be here
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
