why didn't you poke me back
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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