I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
