I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize