My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
This is classic penis vs brain.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
