I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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