Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
