I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
