omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
