I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize