NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
