Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
