party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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