Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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