Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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