Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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