i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
