Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
