I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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