Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
