my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
