My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
