I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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