I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
