Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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