a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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