Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
