absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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