I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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