My balls are so social today.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
