What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
