Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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