i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
