she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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