: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
