They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I can't put those talents on a resume
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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