Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
