I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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