in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
