Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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