my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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