i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
