"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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