"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
