It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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