Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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