By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
